I’m waiting at the Golden Lounge (as an Enrich frequent flyer member, though I did have to pay in miles) for my flight to Johor Bahru. It’s nearly 7 in the morning and my flight leaves just before 11.
I got upgraded to Business Class on the flight from Amsterdam (which involved a surly hostel receptionist, no breakfast, missing a train, being stuck in a checkin line for an hour, having to board immediately, and not knowing my seat number until seconds before boarding because the flight was overbooked). For all the stress, the relaxation I got with better seats and better food eased all of the other worries. It was also lovely to see and hear Spidey in the MAS videos at the beginning and ending of the flight – it was like having her by me.
For confidentiality reasons I can’t exactly divulge what went on at the workshop (for those of you who’ve done it before – it’s pretty much similar). It was an emotional rollercoaster and really pushed me to all sorts of emotional limits. There was one person, however, that turned things around for me and made a big impact on my workshop experience.
Steini is from Iceland and is best friends with Inga, the lovely lass that had been taking care of all the TestPilots. He is utterly flamboyant, sparkly, bouncy, loud, energetic, flaming, screaming, drama queen – one of the biggest nutcases I know (and I know quite a few nutcases!). We were pretty similar, in a way; we both had boundless energy and didn’t quite know where to focus it all.
Steini was a hit with our group and became our “class clown”, cheering us up whenever things got dour. I, on the other hand, didn’t feel as welcome. I knew that I had a tendency to be unwittingly overwhelming (no matter how hard I try to reign myself in) and I worked hard to keep calm and give everyone a chance while still contributing. However, this meant that I often lost out in group discussions as one or two people would dominate the conversation and make it a two-way between themselves – that was seen by the rest as leadership. The only way I could get a word in was to nearly force my way in, which was seen by the rest as overwhelming. Body language was telling – the person next to me sometimes turned his back towards me to concentrate on others, and when I raised my hand to indicate that I would like to say something, I was signalled to put it down, as though I would barge in (then my raised hand would be ignored and they’d just have their two-way).
There was an exercise to show who helped you the most and who hindered you the most. No one thought I was helpful; half the group thought I was a hindrance. Overwhelming, loud, won’t listen. I didn’t think that was fair. I did listen, and made a strong effort to connect ideas together and relate them to our end goal (we had a major assignment and I was very strong and vocal on making sure we kept to the spirit and goals of the assignment and not get lost in being “young, hip, and cool”). Just because someone may have beaten me to my thought, or because I never got around to saying anything, doesn’t mean I didn’t care. I thought some of the comments were hypocritical (I certainly wasn’t the only supposed domineering character) but I was not given a chance to defend myself.
The exercise was already making me physically ill – I remember doing it in Stockholm and even though I fared much better there I still found it unbearable. Myself and Katherine, another girl that was getting the brunt of the criticism (including from me and herself!), broke down in tears. Katherine tried to laugh it off; I just sobbed.
Earlier in the day, not knowing of this exercise (or maybe he did, from Inga), Steini pulled me aside and told me that some people were feeling uncomfortable around me. I hate being pulled aside for any reason (even if it turns out to be something good) and this didn’t make me feel any better. So I was quite surprised when Steini, who had been sitting across from me watching me cry, jumped over to me and held me. He tried to cheer me up, telling me that I will be a KaosPilot, that we would live together when that happens, that I am a good person. I wasn’t feeling any of those (I particularly felt that my chance of being a KaosPilot was over, and can’t shake it off till now), but I really needed that comfort.
We were also meant to tell the group what we ddi positively and negatively, and what we learnt. Time was up before myself and Raha (another group member) had our turn, and the group decided that we could finish it off at lunchtime. In that space I talked about how I worked hard at keeping the big picture (our assignment) in mind, that I didn’t feel like I contributed anything useful, that I have been holding back a lot and still it was overwhemling and I don’t know how else to not be overwhelming without shutting down, that I was loud because my mother has hearing problems and I had adapted to speaking louder so that she could hear me (I only worked this out a week ago despite being told off as “loud” for ages).
Something in the group changed. Everyone told me about the ideas and thoughts I’d contributed, the things I’ve said that has made a big impact. The guy who said I didn’t listen retracted his words, saying I do listen in a different way – by making the ideas bigger. Steini, sitting next to me, reaffirmed the importance of me reigning everyone in. As we worked to finish our assignment before presentation hour, I found a focus for my energy – my contributions were being appreciated and things were actually getting done. Our presentation rocked.
Somewhere along this day he told me that Inga had a similar experience in her Aarhus workshop (she was rejected there and moved on to Rotterdam). She didn’t receive any positive or negative feedback, and felt quite ignored and unappreciated. Steini said that experience affected and changed her a lot, and that he could see that I was going through the same thing.
Later that night we had an afterparty at a bar in the city. I’m not a big clubber (bars and clubs are not my favourite places in the world) and I was very drained. However, I didn’t want to be completely anti-social. It was cold outside and I didn’t bring my jumper as it was reeking of cigarette smoke (from sitting in another bar watching Euro 2008 and waiting for our group to finish). I kept moving from bar to outside area, keeping my distance from everyone, not knowing whether to join in when I had no alcoholic beverage in my hand.
Steini kept pulling me to him; at one point he asked me to sit next to him and said “don’t feel like you don’t belong”. He saw that I was cold and gave me his sweater and jumper. Before our first cab came at twelve, he told me that he really cared for me, that he saw all my potential and thought that the KaosPilots were the right thing for me, that he wanted me to be in the school more than he wanted himself to be in it, that I have so much capability to do great things in the world. He told me about how he used to fear and deny his sexuality (he’s gay, possibly bisexual) and had faced a lot of depression and loneliness – but then he found a channel for his energy through being cheerful and making other people happy.
I asked him why he cared so much about me. After all, we had only met two days ago, and it’s not like I did anything particularly important for him. He told me that I reminded him of Inga.
When I was feeling completely alone and unappreciated. Steini broke through all my barriers and reached out to me. He gave me comfort and healing when I needed it the most, without any concern or worry about compensation. He gave his love to me unconditionally – not a romantic love (not going to happen anyway), but one of companionship and humanity. When I was lost and lonely, Steini kept me company.
Thank you so much, Steini. I don’t know if I’ll see you again, but please know that you mean so much more to me than you’ll ever realise.